"It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you...without a dope beat to step to..." LOL!!
Ahh... Yes I am laughing. Life is good. It's really GOOD!
I am in graduate school (and doing well). My children are healthy and most days happy. I have a great family and wonderful friends. All that's missing...nothing. I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this stage of my life and I'm finally okay with that.
A couple of years ago I dashed out of the blogosphere only to peek my head in every so often with a cryptic post; promising I would return some day. Well here I am finally. I just needed the proper time to cook thoroughly. You all know I like to bake. Baking is very scientific, minus the cooking time. That is variable depending on the calibration of your oven, elevation, several factors. Things like cakes and soufflés and cookies, are ruined if undercooked or overcooked.
I thought I was ready to come back before, but I was like a cake that was taken out too early, nice crust, but gooey on the inside, not strong enough to support what was on the outside. You might be able to nibble around the perimeter but once you reach the middle you have to throw it out. I'm a patient person, so I checked my cake, saw it wasn't ready, and went back in the oven.
My oven has been... getting into school and appreciating my time with my girls, and my girlfriends and my family. These are the people that made sure I didn't stay in the oven too long, and get hard, and burnt and bitter, dried out and inedible, oftentimes unappealing to the eye. They pushed me out of the oven at just the right time. My oven was good too me. It didn't overcook me, it didn't hold my hand and baby me, it rang the alarm just when I needed to cool down.
Today marks the one year anniversary of my Super Secret Divorce (SSD). If you didn't know, now you know...and I apologize if this is how you found out. That being said, this has been all things considered a GREAT year! :) Yeah, I'm smiling now, but there were times, when I really felt lost. Like "what the heck am I going to do?". Then I realized all along I've been on a journey that I wasn't awake for. I was sleep walking through life.
I told someone at church "my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me", she was shocked and really wanted me to take it back, but I couldn't, because it was true. The "situation" (that's what I called it) helped me to remember who I was. I'm no Olivia Pope, but I'm a fixer. I fixed things in my former life, before I met my ex, and I was good at it. I was a problem solver, goal-oriented and focused. Now some of these things didn't change, they just shifted. I became the solver of my children's problems, and focused on their futures and their goals. (And if you read between the lines, you see a fracture - we'll revisit it later).
This year, has been about learning me all over again. Becoming friends with myself, learning that being in my bed alone is not a death sentence; (I have fuzzy socks to keep my feet warm). I learned to laugh truthfully again, and to enjoy life. This year was fun! (I'll tell you about Australia later :)
Today marks a year of holidays, not spent with him, and I'm okay with that. As I type this there is a smile on my face because I know there is so much more out there for me. So many more genuine laugh out loud moments, and smiles and "beautifuls". So many more concerts, and excursions, and awe-inspiring moments...that would have been taken for granted.
For those who wonder "What of the marriage component?" I still believe in marriage, maybe I'll marry again someday (hopefully). Now I just look at it as having a perspective from both sides. :) You have to laugh. Marriage is still very important to me and you will never read a negative word on this blog about my co-parent. Our time together was what it was meant to be and I have three very beautiful mementos. We are still cordial and that works...for now.
I no longer feel undercooked. My core is strong, I can hold up a thick crust without caving in on myself. I am ready to come out. Shield your eyes...I'm beautiful!