Friday, January 27, 2012

When the Ground Gives Way and Your World Collapses

I was watching Grey's Anatomy one night and that's what Meredith was saying in her monologue.  It was in reference to life in general, and marriage specifically.  I felt it was a very appropriate metaphor.  Most of the time your marriage is great, but occasionally there are those times when it feels like the earth is crumbling beneath your feet.  What are you to do in these situations?

As many of you know I'm still pretty blissed out from my anniversary trip a few weeks ago.  That being said I am not so wrapped up in my own joy that I can't see the marriages struggling around me.  And trust me, I am in a fight for those marriages as if they were my own.  I may only be a prayer warrior on the sideline in one case, and nagging little sister in the other, but I am there (no not literally), but if need be I will go to the mat with them, and for them.  Check out my goals -->one of the top ones is to help keep marriages together. I kid you not, that is important to me, and I'm not the only one.  Dee-Dee (part of the anniversary crew and founder of "I'm Every Woman") is hosting the annual marriage event and the focus this year is on couples who have overcome obstacles to stay together.

I want you to stay together because I don't believe in "irreconcilable differences".  The term is actually loathsome to me.  It is giving up plain and simple, you're tired of working, and that is the lazy persons way out.  Nor do I care for the "I fell out of love with them" excuse.  Say what?! That is malarky.  What you fell out of was the habit of treating your partner special, pursuing them, aggressively going after what you desired.  (We'll go into how to keep in fresh in future posts).  Maybe you drank the "marriage is easy kool-aid" then found out it was a lie; too bad you made a commitment.  Now if you've been a "Lifer" for  a while you know the Hayes family motto -"Ain't nobody leaving nobody", and the exceptions to it, abuse, however outside those parameters, suck it up.

I was reading I Am and I as I read I was in total agreement.  (Confession time)  I don't remember saying my vows, I don't know WHAT I said (the minister was late and I was seeing "red rum") but obviously I'm married as the witnesses can attest to.  What I do know is that I meant to stay with my husband (not that we haven't had trying times), vows are a binding contract with your spouse; and when they (contracts) are breached mediation is usually par for the course, not out and out dissolution.  Society must learn to again put value in a person's word being their bond. We must again hold our vows as a sincere promise that we are doggedly determined to keep, and not let divorce be an option we have sitting on the side.

So what do you do "When the Ground Gives Way and Your World Collapses"?  Let's say there's infidelity, physical illness, trouble with the in-laws, fertility issues, mental illness, you get the idea....what do you do?  First I would suggest you take a step back, breathe deeply and go to your separate corners.  Space is good, I am still learning this. People need to process and every one of us does it in our own special way.  So give each other some time to take in what is happening.  Then I would suggest open, honest communication (preferably with a counselor of some sort).  And most importantly take your time, no matter what you do, don't rush into making any decisions.

Couples can surmount any number of obstacles in their marriages, however a key factor in whether or not they succeed is how much they are willing to communicate with one another. We talk even when it hurts.  I thank God everyday for my husband because he knows what he got himself into; eyes wide open he married me.  I am also thankful for the good sense to walk to my corner sometimes and sit quietly until I can figure it out.  We are imperfect beings in an imperfect world, but we are wholly committed to one another.  I pray we can change the tide of marriages and there will be more life-long unions that our children can reference as they are preparing for their own unions.  They will know it is not all sunshine and roses, but they will know to appreciate the rainbow after the storm.

Until Next Time,
Be Blessed


Stephania said...

Excellent post! It's it's personal, it's honest, it's real. I couldn't agree more with you on the subject. The state of marriages can be down right depressing with so much attention focused on the negative aspects, we need more direction and focus on the positive and how to stay married!

Unknown said...

I find it easier to maintain a good marriage when I spend more time with the scriptures. I fall out of love and back in love with my husband all the time. Marriage is hard work and a real commitment, and it is not for the faint of heart or for those who cry "irreconcilable" differences, because they are jaded and think marriage is always sunny side up. IMO.