Thursday, December 01, 2011

My Biological Clock is Ticking

I'm not sure why this is happening since I have 3 children already, but it definitely is.  The little Timex inside me has been going off at regular intervals for about the past year, and contrary to what my mind is thinking my uterus is LOUDER.  I've had this topic in my queue for  awhile, I'm writing about it today however because my body wouldn't let me  rest until it was done (a subconscious message of sorts perhaps).

Every few months for the past year or so, I've had this strong urge to procreate, like a deep, deep desire in my uterus, (most would say "the pit of my stomach" or "my gut" -but that is not where babies come from), to have life inside me.  Yet every time this little alarm would go off, my head would chime in "but now isn't a good time".  I always tell people my body might be saying "yes", but I can talk myself out of having a baby in just a few seconds..."we need a bigger house, the girls are too old, I'm getting older, hubby's in school...." No need to go on you get the gist.

My situation has not been aided by my friends or family.  I just came off a relaxing holiday where I got to hold my beautiful new little cousin.  My sister and our cousin, both delivered healthy, precious little girls, one day apart, two months ago.  Ahh...I could sit and look at those children all day, such good babies they are (they really are).  I held KA and it felt like there was nothing else in the world; a nice feeling considering how my holiday started. Then let's figure, at least 3 of my girlfriends are pregnant.  And I believe Addison "is in a family way" (yes a fictional character on a television show made my list).

Last night, when my body made its plea, I realized my mind is in compliance.  None of the usual "justifications" for tabling the discussion came up, as a matter of fact, I talked myself into it:  Yes, our daughters are 10, 8, and 5, and they have great spacing.  This new addition would be 7 years younger than my youngest, but the girls will be older and more mature. We live comfortably in our home, one more wouldn't put us out, plus I grew up with my extended family living in one house, we were cozy but also close; (I love that about my family). I'm only 33, so I haven't reached my cutoff (35) just yet.  Hubby will only be in school for 6 more months.  These counter-arguments have always been there, been available to me, but I never wanted to use them.

Now though, I have the feeling that all my fence sitting has put my husband on the "it's not the right time" train.   The obstacle, challenge, matter at hand now is letting my husband know the desires of my heart.  See I have to plan it just so.  My fear now is that we won't be on the same page...I waited too long and now..."you snooze, you lose".

Until next time,
Be Blessed

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