Wednesday, June 18, 2008

In Defense Of Self

So for most all my life I have tried to be likeable. I've always tried to be kind, friendly, and to be considerate of others feelings. You know... a real Girl Scout -which I was. I digress. It occurred to me over a decade ago, that sometimes trying to be nice all the time, and make everyone your friend, can make one into a doormat. I found myself apologizing all the time, which in turn made me feel bad like I was always doing something wrong, which I wasn't. I was just trying to appease people, make them not feel bad about the way things went down. I was trying to be the bigger person, but I was actually making myself smaller and smaller and smaller. It was frustrating, and physically debilitating, so finally I spoke up about it, I took a stand, "I'm not saying 'I'm sorry' again". Well there was more to it, how I felt I was always apologizing even when I wasn't wrong, but then it was brought to my attention, that its not always all about me, and saying 'sorry' isn't meant to make me feel bad, and the other person feel better, but rather as a bridge to close a gap on opposing views--or something like that. I've since changed my stance, and I do apologize when I feel I am wrong, and even when I don't, but I want the other person to know that I'm willing to make an effort; put my id aside and bridge the gap.

There have been times, when I have said things out of anger that I knew I shouldn't have said, and when that happens, I try to make amends as soon as possible. I am not perfect by any stretch, I don't even aspire to it. I am simply human, and as such I make mistakes, just like everybody else. It is not my intent to cause anyone else harm - physically, mentally, emotionally et. all. Unfortunately, I have unwittingly caused someone distress, and for that I apologize. I have never meant to cause you harm, EVER.

I aspire to peace and being in conflict with you goes against that. I value my own peace of mind, and I can't have that if I'm ruffling your feathers. The whole situation makes me ill; I can't eat, I'm lethargic, and melancholy, which leads to agitation, and I therefore feel the need to defend myself.

I plead NOLO CONTENDERE; I accept the blame, and I'll pay the fine, if we could just move past this.

Be Safe.

edit: "I'm Sorry" is meant to let the other person know you didn't mean to hurt their feelings.


geeky Heather said...

Hugs, {{{Shanta}}}. I hope everything works out.

Shanta Hayes said...

Thanks I can use all the hugs you've got to spare.

Woman of Destiny said...

There are many reasons to say I'm sorry. I'd even say it to someone who is going through something that has nothing to do with me. (Ex. Death in their family) I think the whole "I'm sorry" thing may be more of a habit than anything else for you. I've always taken you as a VERY honest person, but you always seem to tell someone the truth in a very polite or easy way as to minimize the hurt feeling(s)that sometimes come with the truth. Eveyone know the truth hurts, so maybe before telling someone the truth ask yourself if you'd feel like apologizing should their feelings be hurt. If yes, maybe you shouldn't tell them. I'm sorry should follow something that you don't plan or want to do again. I don't know if this apology would'd work for the person you're apologizing to, because may times when people want an apoology, they was vivid description of exactly what the apologizer it apologizing for. But good luck:)