So if you've read my blog before you know that I do a lot of soul searching. Or at least, I hope you can ascertain that from my entries. Right now, a lot is going on. I'm trying to find out, if I'm making the right decisions in a number of key areas: my daughters' education, me going back to work, and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. All are intrinsically tied together and that is why there is a lot of "hoping and wishing and praying" going on. Mostly praying about 70%, hoping gets 20% and wishing is 10. Praying for the guidance that I need so I can see the plan God has for me. Hoping that I get the message right and don't misinterpret anything, and wishing that I knew right now.
Life can be complicated if you make it so, and I'm really not trying to do that, so I'm going to take some of my own advice and be patient, relax and just let things unfold naturally. At the beginning of the year, I decided that that was how I was going to go about this year, in the natural order that God has planned for me, and that means I need to sit back and let Him lead, because I don't know where I'm going, and nobody likes a backseat driver. I've put in job applications, dropped hints with former employers, and let others know I was looking for a job, all the while, not really wanting to go back to work; at least feeling conflicted about it. I don't want to put my baby in daycare, even if it is part-time, and I try to convince myself that it will be good for her. I'm just trying to justify it to make myself feel better.
I love my life, I love the job I have (being a mom and wife) and I honestly can't complain. However, I decided at the beginning of the year, that I wanted to go back and finish school, without taking out any loans, or taking away money from my family's household budget. That means, I need to have the money upfront. No problem, a little part-time job, and I can do that in no time. However that is where I get conflicted. I want to be a great role model for my daughters, and finish what I started, however I don't want to feel as if I am cheating my baby, and running out on her to make a buck to do something that honestly could wait another year or two until she goes to school.
I am praying that I am not being selfish, and doing only what I want to do, and not what is best for my family. I am hoping that even though I am praying, that I don't misinterpret the message and still do what I want, and not what God's will is for me. And I am wishing that somehow it would all be revealed to me immediately. (Not exactly letting things unfold naturally(which is why I am also praying for patience)).